


Power The Dark Lord Knows Not

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, First Time, Humor, M/M, Out of Character, Parody, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-28
Updated: 2007-01-28
Packaged: 2018-10-01 05:07:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10181342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: No-one could have anticipated the power Harry had that the Dark Lord didn't know about...CRACK!FIC, Major OOCness, Solo, Very Random! References H/D





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

**Disclaimer** \- Don't own them, don't profit from them. Believe me, with what I write, profiting off them falls under 'pimping' in the criminal justice system…  
 **Warnings** \- Kind of plotless and short, definite crack!fic, toys, bad language, **MAJOR** OOC-ness

 

**A/N** \- I'm kind of plotting out another story about this, but a more serious WIP one. So this is to get out the self-destruct gene I have where a good story descends into smut madness because I'm depraved like that. Apologies in advance, I know it's bad, so please don’t flame me, just laugh lol! *Softly*Sweetly*

 

**A/N2** \- Crack!Fics are not big, and they are not clever. I repeat this daily, but they still slip through.

 

_"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…_  
born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…  
and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…   
and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…  
the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…" 

 

Harry groaned, and tried to stretch the kinks out of his back. They'd been fighting so long that some days he didn't remember what they were fighting for. But today he had a clear picture of their cause, because today was the day the Final Battle would take place. He leaned over and kissed Draco gently, rousing his lover with butterfly kisses until it was safe enough to try for something more. Draco _was not_ a morning person, and Harry had been bitten badly on more than one occasion trying to wake his blonde minx up.

"Morning."

"whatimeisit?"

"Six, nearly. You in the real world yet?"

"Not gonna bite, if that's what you're asking."

"Good enough for me."

Harry leant back down and captured Draco's lips in his own, pulling their bodies together and losing himself in the taste of his lover. All too soon, Draco pulled away, cupping Harry's cheeks in his hands as he breathed deeply.

"Draco, I…"

"Don't. Don’t say that."

"I know you don't want to hear this but…"

"Harry, no! It's my favourite thing in the world to hear, but you can tell me tonight when we're cuddled up in a real bed in Grimmauld Place and not a sleeping bag on some god-awful forest floor. Just tell me tonight, OK?"

Harry nodded, pulling Draco to lie against his chest, stroking silky blonde hair gently before a smile curled his lips.

"I thought _'Honey, I've bought a new sex toy'_ was your favourite thing in the world to hear?!"

"Second favourite. You'll be telling me that tonight as well."

"And when, in between saving the wizarding world and waking you up without loss of life or limb, do you suggest I go shopping for sex toys?"

"Fine. But tomorrow I want something new."

"How about a cock ring."

Draco pouted, and raised himself up onto his arms, hovering over Harry. Staring into those deep green pools, he was hit by the reality of what they were facing, and felt his heart constrict in his chest.

"I love you."

Harry smiled, trying to ignore the very real possibility that he might not see sunset today. Even after months of research, none of them had any idea what _power the Dark Lord knows not_ Harry possessed, but they couldn't hold off the war any longer, they couldn't risk Voldemort attacking them and having the element of surprise, so they'd planned it all. He was travelling today, and for a short way he'd be walking through this very forest to try and confuse any Aurors that may stumble on his magical signature. So Harry, Draco, Snape, Hermione and Ron were all out here, ready to ambush the snakey bastard and annihilate him. They'd destroyed all the Horcruxes except Nagini and Voldemort himself; and those two were going down today.

Harry and Draco dressed in silence, and stepped out of their tent to find Hermione, Ron and Severus packing up their tents.

"Ready?"

There were nods, and Harry focused on packing up the tent. He felt Draco tugging his arm, and followed the blonde to a secluded clearing where he was pulled into a deep kiss. When Draco let go, Harry's head was spinning, and he smiled at his lover reassuringly.

"I love you now, and I'll love you tonight, OK?"

"How about forever?"

"That too."

"Good. I've got you something, a good look charm."

Harry held out his hands, and Draco pressed a Slytherin-green vibrator into his hands.

"This was my you before you were my you, if that makes sense?"

"Perfectly. Thank you, I'm sure it'll be a great help in the final battle."

"You never know. Come on, the sooner we kick ass, the sooner we get back to a Molly-Weasley-Patented hot meal."

Harry smiled, and followed Draco dutifully back to the others. They walked in silence for most of the morning, getting themselves into position for the ambush. It was a long wait until they saw the gaggle of Death Eaters, walking without Voldemort to prevent him being caught up in an ambush. Harry waited, feeling his body tensed with anticipation, until the second flush of four Death Eaters walked by, with Voldemort among them. 

Time had no meaning, and seemed to slow down as Harry jumped down from the tree he was hidden in, throwing curses indiscriminately as he focused on his task – get to Voldemort. The others would deal with the Death Eaters; he just had to get to Voldemort. 

The cowardly, snakey bastard was running, and Harry gave chase. He lost sight of the scumbag and realised his error only when he was grabbed from behind a tree, pulled against a cool body as the familiar feeling of apparition washed over him…

 

*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*

 

"Stupid, foolish little Gryffindor, always rushing into situations without looking. I'm going to enjoy torturing your friends as I send them piece after piece of your mutilated body."

Harry groaned, and watched as his wand was twirled between long, pale fingers. How could he have been so bloody stupid?

"Bloody stupid is all you have ever been, Mr Potter. Now, empty your pockets."

Facing death, and dismemberment, Harry Potter trembled at the thought of revealing the vibrator to the Dark Lord. But he didn't dare risk not emptying his pockets. So out came the conkers, the string, the scraps of parchment with spells on, the map of the forest, a small tube of lubricant (because a guy's gotta be prepared) and the shrunken vibrator, which popped back to its original size as soon as it hit the floor. Voldemort's red eyes widened slightly, and he reached out to pick the vibrator up, looking at it closely before fixing Harry in a cold glare.

"What is this? What does it do?"

Harry was so blindsided that he didn't answer immediately, and Voldemort advanced on him.

"What kind of weapon is this? What do you plan to do with it?"

The idiocy of the situation stripped Harry of his sense, and he began sniggering.

"It isn't a weapon, you bloody useless half-blood, it's a _VIBRATOR_!"

"Don't call me half-blood! And what in the name of Salazar on high is a _vibrator_?!"

"It's a sex toy. It…uhm…you can use it on your own, or with a… _friend_."

Total world domination and murder seemingly paled into insignificance as Voldemort continued to turn the vibrator in his hands, tracing the curves and the buttons as Harry stood watching the spectacle in complete disbelief.

"And what is the point of it?"

"It…uh…gives you an orgasm."

"A what?"

"An orgasm."

"What's that?"

"You've never…how old are you?"

"I hardly think that is an appropriate question, and it's completely irrelevant as I am an evil totalitarian dictator and will shortly be immortal."

"Seventy-five?"

"Fifty-three you insufferable brat! I see Severus wasn't exaggerating!"

"And you haven't had an orgasm in fifty-three years?"

"I have been a little busy taking over the world; you may have read something about it in the society pages!"

"OK, calm down, don't want you to pop a hip out of place or anything."

"Why you insufferable…I ought to kill you where you stand."

Harry thought on his feet, and smiled coyly.

"Aaah, but then you'll never know what the vibrator can do."

Voldemort couldn't deny his interest, and he forced a glare onto his face as he answered the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Make-His-Comfortable-Life-A-Misery.

"Then I will kill you when you've told me what to do."

 

*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*

 

"You want me to put it _where_?!"

"Look, trust me, it'll feel really good. I'll wait here, and you can use the bedroom. Here's some lubricant."

Voldemort may be a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them. He made sure to secure Harry so that he could not move before heading into the little bedroom of the cottage he had apparated them to, tightly clutching the vibrator and pot of lubricant he'd taken off Harry.

Harry wasn't comfortable, and hoped against hope that Voldemort would remember to put up a silencing charm. The shocked yelp that drifted through confirmed otherwise, and Harry felt his stomach twist into a very ugly knot. Still; he'd bought himself some time for the others to come and rescue him; he could tolerate listening to the Dark lord jack off, right?

"Sweet Salazar!"

"You alright in there?"

There was a strange grunting noise in response, and Harry began counting. If he could focus on counting maybe the small noises of discovery and pleasure wouldn't completely destroy his sanity. The noises grew steadily in pitch and volume as the time crept on, and if he could have, Harry would have rocked himself back and forth in his madness. He tried to think of something, anything else, but couldn't. Still, at least he wasn't getting turned on by this. Oh no, his prick was currently trying to burrow back into his body and re-name him Harriet…

_"SALAZARANDTHEGODSONHIGH!"_

After the rather explosive sound of the Dark Lord losing his virginity to a piece of vibrating plastic (somewhere a therapist was rubbing their hands together in glee at the cost of all the therapy Harry would need), there was silence, and Harry held his breath for long minutes.

"You alright in there?"

There was silence, and that was when Harry noticed that he could move. He stood up, and opened the door, his mouth dropping open at the sight that lay before him.

"Harry we were so…fucking carriages of fuck, what the hell did you do."

Harry turned round to face his frantic, blood-spattered friends, and shook his head softly.

"No idea."

Turning back into the room, he took in the sight of Nagini dead on the floor, right next to Voldemort. A very dead Voldemort. With a satisfied smile on his face and a vibrator in his ass.

Snape stepped forwards and cast two spells to assess the situation, his normally-guarded eyes widening in surprise as the spells told him what had happened. He turned to the four twenty-somethings, and spoke in a voice that belied complete and utter shock, as well as a healthy serving of amusement.

"It would appear that Nagini got in somehow and died of a heart-attack when she saw what her Master was doing. And it appears that the most fearsome Dark Lord ever to have walked the earth died after having an orgasm."

For long minutes there was silence, and then Draco shrieked, flinging himself into Harry's arms and kissing him hard, speaking in bursts in-between the kisses.

"I knew that you…would kick snake-face's butt…damn you're sexy…sexy enough to kill…my sex god…all mine…buying a new vibrator though!"

Harry allowed himself to be mauled by Draco for a while, and pulled back when his prick decided it rather liked its outdoors view.

"So, what are we going to tell people?"

 

*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*PtDLKN*

 

_ Six Months Later _

As they stood in front of the window to the adult branch of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, Harry felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment as Draco clung onto his arm and howled with laughter. When his blonde fiancé had calmed down enough to have a rational conversation, Harry growled at him.

"I fucking told you we shouldn't have told everyone the truth!"

"Oh chill out. Besides, Fred and George said we can have free ones for life, so we can't complain. Speaking of which, there's a butt-plug at home just dying to lose its virginity to you."

Unable to argue with that logic, Harry allowed himself to be lead away from the window as the next passers-by stopped to read the obnoxious sign…

_Introducing the_  
 **HARRY POTTER!**  
Guaranteed to give you an orgasm strong enough to kill a Dark Lord!  
Special offer this week only:  
Buy one **HARRY POTTER!** vibrator, and get a set of **DRACO MALFOY!** nipple rings absolutely free!  
An offer worthy of He-Who-Still-Must-Not-Be-Named himself! 


End file.
